Editor’s note: Today we’re featuring a freelance submission from Luis Paez-Pumar. He’s a television pervert. I don’t know how to add other authors to patrickredford.kinja.com, but this is a dictatorship, so that’s fine. The views expressed do not represent patrickredford.kinja.com or its staff.
Having a job was pretty cool, and having this specific job was pretty much the bee’s knees. I got paid to write soccer blogs, wrestling blogs, universally beloved Avengers: Endgame blogs—you name it. My coworkers were some of the smartest, bravest, and funniest writers and reporters in the world, which was also nice. And yet, it was not perfect. Having a job stopped me from indulging in my greatest love of all, the only thing that gives me an ounce of happiness in this rapidly decaying world: watching all of the TV, just gorging myself like a hungry little piggie at the syndicated trough.
Does watching TV pay the rent? It does not. In fact, I lose money, thanks to the various subscriptions I must pay to enlist myself in the ever-escalating Streaming Wars. Does watching TV replace the human contact that comes from going to a too-brightly lit office in Times Square in order to socialize with the aforementioned coworkers? No, but that part honestly seems like a plus, especially since this was the reaction when I dared to share that I had watched the Showtime bromedy series Californication 1.71 times:
(To answer my colleague Giri’s question, I watched seasons 1-5 before giving up, only to rewatch the entire seven seasons through its horrifying conclusion just last year. In my defense, I was unemployed, as I am now. Round three?)
I have met an untimely demise at a job before. It is part of life, and part of life in the wonderful chaos that is the media industry. But this time, I’m prepared. I have already used the salary afforded me by my former position to purchase a second monitor for my computer at home, thus allowing me to have three screens running at once. There is also my actual TV, located next to my desk, a suboptimal position for anything but what I use it for—logging into the damn Matrix that is simultaneously watching the latest season of BoJack Horseman while playing The Outer Worlds while also watching the Miami Heat, a sports team, blow a lead while on mute. My coworkers saw this as lunacy, but they were wrong. It is just efficiency, and I will not apologize for it.
Now that I have been struck down in this financially demoralizing manner, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. There’s a new season of You coming out at some point, and if that show can make it through an entire season with a character named Peach Salinger, I can make it through the misery of putting off freelance projects in order to rewatch How I Met Your Mother for the 10th time. [Editor’s note (Patrick’s note: not me): I asked Luis if this last line was a joke and he said it was not.]